thoughts and feelings

Note: This is a long and very personal post. It is difficult to get my feelings and thoughts into words... Thanks to everyone for the kindness shown to me and my family.


Here are some of the last photos taken of my mom. Grandma and Liv (wearing her "I love Grandma" shirt that cousin Melanie bought):

This was taken about five days before my mom died (with my brother Todd and sister Mindy):

I jotted down some notes the morning after my mom died, and then added to that this evening:

Feb 6, 2012
Todd woke me up around 5:45AM

Mom told us that she was ready to say goodbye and pass on

Dad and Todd gave her a blessing of release

When we asked when she thought she would be leaving us she told us she would be going in three hours.

We made calls so she could say goodbye to Mindy and Mark

She didn’t want anyone to leave the room and would say, “Nobody leave.”

She then slept for awhile… Todd went to get Mindy from airport around 10AM

She seemed more and more disappointed as the day went on and she hadn’t passed on yet. She would ask, “Why am I still here?” almost in frustration, and then once asked “Am I in heaven?”
Mindy asked her: “Who do you think you’ll see first, Grandma or Grandpa?” She replied with disgust, “I haven’t seen anyone yet!”

When the hospice nurse came (and talked to her about getting a catheter) she was adamant that she would not need a catheter or a bedside commode because she would be dying soon.

She said, “I’m ready to say sayonara!” :)

She slept most of the afternoon on Tuesday

Pat, Jackie and Mark came at about 4pm. She slept through most of their short visit but was so happy to see them and was sad they were leaving so soon. She slowly told them, “I love you too.” (This is the last time she was really alert).

Got a visit from her dear neighbor, Valoy Smith

She requested hot chocolate late afternoon—drank a sip or two.

Slept all evening

February 7, 2012
Mom was non-responsive most of the day—her eyes open at times, but not much life in them.

She whispered that she had to go to the bathroom and Mindy and I helped her use the bedside commode. She was very limp and hard to move (not very conscious at this point). We changed her clothing as well. This was very challenging emotionally and at one point I whispered to Mindy, “This really sucks!” as I was holding back tears.

We listened to Barry Manilow and had “Price Is Right” on for her to listen to (her favorites). She slept through all of it.

I had the thought to invite Gayle Drollinger over to visit (last person I could think of that she would want to say goodbye to). We had a nice visit with her. Mom did not respond verbally nor open her eyes.

Her breathing became more labored by late morning. It was challenging to get her in a good position—we propped her up with some pillows hoping it would help her breathe easier.

We sat by her/laid in bed next to her for most of the morning. I made sure that either Mindy or I was with her. We all stepped away briefly to eat a bit of lunch just before noon.

She whispered at one point to me, “I don’t want to leave.” I wasn’t sure what she was referring to (as she was often confused) and so told her, “I don’t want you to go either, Mom, but it is ok for you to go.” I told her how much I loved her and that I would miss her, etc.

Dad, Mindy and I stayed in the room and visited. Dad was sitting in the computer chair and at one point said, “Maryana, it’s ok for you to go.” I told him to come over and really tell her that so that she could hear him. Dad held her hand and talked to her and told her goodbye and then sat and rubbed her feet while Mindy and I each sat on either side and held a hand.

Her temperature fluctuated between hot and sweaty and then cold and clammy.

Her eyes were half open and her breathing was very labored and loud. Her left leg was quite swollen.

I called Nancy (the nurse), and she told us to give her more morphine to help her relax. Mindy gave her morphine dropper.

We were sitting around her and visiting. I was telling my Dad a story that Rob had told me about Hewitt getting in trouble at school for running, and how he signed the note for Rob to sign and tried to hide it from Rob… Well, mid-story, it suddenly got quiet when Mom stopped breathing. We all turned to look at her. She took one more breath and then that was it. It was quite shocking really, and it took a while for it to register that she could really be gone. I stood up and said something like, “are you really leaving us, Mom?” We all cried a bit and I told her I loved her and that we would miss her.

I called the nurse and told her, “I think my mom is gone,” and she said that she was on her way. My sister called my niece Melanie and she came immediately to get Tosh and Liv (they had been quietly watching a show downstairs). She kept the kids until bedtime that night.

I stayed by Mom’s side and when the nurse came, I visited with her while she made notes and collected and disposed of her medications and pain killers. My Dad called the Funeral home and it took an hour or so before they came to get her body.

There are certain things that I had been dreading about the dying process, but didn’t anticipate how emotional I would get when the mortician arrived. When I heard the doorbell, I began weeping immediately. My sister pulled me off the bed and hugged me and Nancy requested that they give us a few moments to say goodbye. I made the comment to my sister that I would never feel ready to say goodbye. I then went into the study where I sobbed for a bit in private. Nancy knocked at the study door and ended up visiting with me for probably 15 minutes or so. She told me that I will always miss my mom but that things will get easier in time. I told her that I wished she had known my mom in good health and she told me that that is one of the worse parts about her job (not getting to know some really great people before they become sick).

I watched the morticians from the window and once they were gone, came out to see my dad and sister. As Nancy was leaving, I made a remark about not having any idea what we should be doing now. I said, “what, do I just start cleaning?” She said, “Well, either cleaning or eating.” :)

It didn’t take long for visitors/neighbors to start coming to the door. We decided to get out of the house and go for some Chinese food—mom’s favorite.

When I woke up on Wednesday morning, I realized/remembered that my mom was gone (not a dream) and cried quite a bit. Melanie came back to watch the kids while my dad and sister and I went to the Mortuary. Mom had planned virtually everything and had already paid for it too. We finalized dates and plans. I felt a certain peace in the mortuary just knowing my mom’s body was there.

When we returned home, Melanie had mentioned that she closed the door to my parents’ bedroom so the kids wouldn’t walk in. Tosh asked about Grandma and I explained that she had died. His first response was, “Then who will fix my bear?” I talked with him (again) about what happens when we die and that the body stays on the earth and the spirit goes to heaven. He said something like, “I know” and seemed ok with everything. Liv looked at my dad and said, “Where Grandma?” My dad picked her up and said, “Grandma went to heaven.” Liv then simply looked at my dad, put her hands on his cheeks and then rested her head on his shoulder for several seconds. It was quite precious (made us all cry a bit) and reminded us about how more in-tune kids are then we probably realize.

Mindy left on Thursday morning. My dad and I went to his ward temple night that night. I expected to be very emotional in the temple, but was surprised by how numb (and completely distracted) I was feeling. I made the comment to my dad that I felt too exhausted to cry any more. It is interesting that even though I have no doubt that there is a life after this one and really feel that I know where my mom is, it was bothering me that I really didn’t know exactly WHERE my mom was. Does that make sense? Those few days were a struggle. I think I was expecting to feel her presence more or something. I was also really missing Rob and the kids. I’ve compared my missing my family during that month to fasting: You know how when you fast of course you are hungry, but you don’t want to complain about being hungry because then it’s as if you aren’t being true to the purpose or are appearing to be “of a sad countenance” as the scriptures say? Well the entire month I was away from Rob and the boys, I was careful not to appear as if I didn’t want to be where I was. It was such a blessing to me (and our family) for me to have that time with my parents and I know that we were so blessed and our burdens made lighter. I know that we had extra help from above for sure!

Rob and the kids drove up to Utah on Saturday and we were so thrilled to be together! Rob couldn’t believe how much Liv was talking and we both kept commenting on how much older all the kids seemed. The next Wednesday, I felt very sick to my stomach and achy and felt like my body was shutting down as it often does when I am very stressed out. Mindy flew back from Texas and was there on Wednesday. I felt worse (with a very sore throat) on Thursday so Mindy watched the kids (Rob was working) so I could go to the doctor--Strep! Great timing. I was good to get on antibiotics before my brothers and the entire family arrived (late Thursday night)…

Thursday afternoon, my sister and I went to the Mortuary so my sister could do my mom’s hair and I fixed Mom’s make-up just a bit (added a little more eyebrow as my mom would have liked). When we first saw Mom we both just cried for a bit. She looked so beautiful! Her color was so good and although she looked very different (it’s amazing how different the body looks without the spirit), she almost looked better than she had when she was so ill at the end. It was comforting to be with her and I was happy thinking I would see her two more times before burying her.

On Friday we returned with my two sisters-in-law and Melanie. We finished dressing Mom, and had a chance to cry together and talk with them about Mom’s final days and hours. Again, this was very peaceful and I felt such an overwhelming spirit of comfort being with her body. Each time we left, Mindy and I would kiss her cheek and we talked to her as if she were there with us (I want to say that I’m sure her spirit WAS there with us).

Things were busy at the house on Friday with all of us kids (and cousins) there. Rob had taken our van in to be serviced and we asked my sister and niece if they would watch the kids while we went to pick up the van and to do a little shopping (Rob had forgotten to pack some of the church clothes and I was hoping to buy a new dress/outfit for the Memorial). We ran to a store and got some white shirts for the boys and a new tie for Rob, but I didn’t find anything for me. We grabbed the van and a bite to eat and headed to the mall (groan). I am not a big shopper and hate ‘pressure’ shopping (needing to get something in particular and right then!). We went to one of the big department stores at the end of the mall and I seriously wandered around for at least an hour and tried things on that I didn’t really like, and they were super expensive and not all that great. I was getting very frustrated and so we finally left to wander into the mall. We passed by “Dress Barn” and I totally mocked it when Rob suggested we try it out and I said something like “It looks like it is for old ladies or something…” Well, I saw a super cute brown skirt and the store was pretty quiet so we walked through and to the back of the store. Three employees were standing there and asked if they could help me find something. I told them that I was looking for something to wear to a funeral and then I completely started crying out of nowhere. One of the girls (late 20s, early 30s maybe?) came over and said that she was very sorry and asked me about who had died. She told me that her mom died about 10 years ago and that “it gets easier.” What happened next was really interesting and has never happened to me before. Two of the employees gave me their full attention and kept bringing different things to my dressing room and putting together all sorts of outfit combinations for me. I am not very good at that sort of thing and it really felt like a “Pretty Woman” moment where I was really pampered and looked after. Rob just sat outside of the dressing room while I modeled things and we chatted with the girls. I found a few different things that I really liked and was pretty shocked when it came time to make a decision and Rob bought me three complete outfits and two sweaters as well! Then the girls were doing everything they could to cut our costs down and gave us two different coupons and then took 10% off a non-sale item for no reason at all. I’ve never seen anything like it. Who would have thunk that I would have a good experience at Dress Barn! J Rob and I both got teary as we left the store and were thankful for strangers showing us such care and kindness—a tender mercy. And hooray for wearing something you feel cute and confident in. Also, I should mention that we got home a few hours later than expected. Thanks to my awesome family for feeding and getting the kids to bed so Rob and I could have some time together!

Saturday morning we got ready and were at the Mortuary by 8:40AM or so. My entire family was there (siblings and kids) as well as my Aunt Pat, cousins Bob and Jackie and Jackie’s husband Mark. Tracey’s parents (Todd’s in-laws) had driven over from California and were there as well. I stayed right by my mom’s casket and talked to my niece Tyra and answered many of her questions about where Grandma was.

About 9:00AM, Todd said a beautiful family prayer that we all cried through. Then came the moment I had been dreading—a final earthly goodbye. I kissed my mom’s cheek and told her that I love her and wept while the casket was closed. I hugged my cousin Jackie while the Mortician finished and then we followed the casket out to the hearse. We loaded into our vehicles and drove up to the Franklin, ID cemetery (2.5 hours north) for the graveside service. I commented to Rob about how difficult that experience was, but how interesting that it was just one moment in time. It was so sorrowful, yet I immediately felt peace again right after it was over. That feeling of peace has stayed with me. I don’t think I really cried at all in the cemetery actually. Right around noon, my brother Mark dedicated her grave and we walked around the cemetery a bit and paid our respects to my Grandparents, my Uncle Al, and my younger brother Ty Matthew—a stillborn baby that my mom is now buried by. We all went to Maddox (near Brigham City) for a late lunch afterward.

The Memorial Service was held Monday morning at 10:00. It was a wonderful service and I felt privileged to be able to speak. I am sure that my mom was pleased and felt of our love for her. I was uncharacteristically composed (not crying much). I got really teary before the service started, when I discovered many people I hadn’t expected to see were there. Many old friends from Colorado—some I hadn’t seen in twenty years or more. In my talk I quoted an old friend that had written me a beautiful letter about my mom, and was shocked when I saw her and her husband walk in the door of the chapel just before the service (they had driven over from Colorado the night before). The service was recorded, but I haven’t listened to it yet, or written my talk out… Maybe I will post that soon as well as the video we had playing of pictures of my mom.

Some more photos:
Rob and Me on Sunday (Rob FINALLY wore the new suit he got for his b-day in November)
Our family before the Memorial Service:
A display table at the Memorial Service:

It is good to be home now and getting back into the grove of things. I see my mom is so many things around me. I find myself wanting to wear something personal of hers—a piece of her jewelry or her satin pajamas nearly every day. Liv saw her slippers in my closet on Monday and said, “These Grandma slippers. Why you have them?…” I am also really missing her more like it has been a long time since we visited and I want to call and tell her about the funny things the kids say. Overall, I am doing really well and even though my heart is aching, I mostly feel incredibly blessed and thankful for such a wonderful mother and friend.

Thanks for reading.